Just to prove to all of you people that I just don't hate only Americans, I bring you something from the Hermit Kingdom of North Korea.
Astute people will have heard of this by now – so the rest of you give this a good hard look, because I am going to tell you what's going on. It's simple. So astonishing, I wonder if anyone else has ever thought of it. Here, let me explain further.
Remember high school (I am assuming of course, that you graduated) and there would be that one guy or gal who would threaten suicide? Telling people that he or she was going to off themselves because of whatever – they got dumped, got a less than satisfactory grade, woke up with bed head – and his or her friends and family tried to do their best to talk them down. Getting the attention that they needed, they backed away until the next world ending tragedy. For the record – I handed the whiner a knife and told them to hurry up because I had things to do later that day. I even told them how to do it, just to make sure they got it right: 'go down the river, not across the street'.
Turn your attention now to North Korea – the whiny emo kid-country. They showcased their centrifuges for uranium enrichment for… wait for it… 'nuclear power'. Really? Look at this picture. What the hell does North Korea need with nuclear power? Do the people of North Korea need lights on at night to see that they're not eating? Are the prison facilities putting too much of a drain on their abundant resources? So, they let someone see their facilities in the same way that the Mafia puts their arm around someone's shoulder and tells them that they have something to offer them.
Apparently, they felt that we weren't taking their 'good advice' ('all we want is money – shipping costs of Warner Bros. cartoons and Blu-Ray DVDs are killing us'), so they fired a couple of shells into an inhabited island – killing and injuring several people. No warning. South Korea was minding its own business when North Korea thought that no one heard their cries for help. I certainly feel that nothing says 'PAY ATTENTION TO ME, DAMN IT' like howitzer shells.
Now, we can't look at this minor hiccup in a long peace treaty on its own. There is another inkblot to be looked at and decide that it looks like a dog and rabbit orgy: Kim Jung Il's number three son. More importantly – it's not the kid, but his ascension to the King Crazy Throne that we need to consider. Follow me on this; because it's all going to make sense.
The phrase 'cult of personality' doesn't even begin to describe what it's like over there. Of course, there's no way to really find out what it's like except for the random reporter being sent over and minded by the police. Put all this together with a guy who's got height issues and a fixation on cinema and you've got a rubber room DMZ.
Here's what happening: Normally, Kim Jung Il acts like he's less a world leader and more like he's a publicity hungry rapper to not only get the 6-party talks again but to get a little food and cash – which is apparently a lot better than just actually trying to fix the crap hole economy. We condemn, we hand them some smoked sausage and some petty cash and try to get them to promise to not do this again; because if there is one thing that crazy people do well, it's keep their promises.
This time is different for one big reason: there is a shift in power coming soon. We don't know how soon, but if what's been going on is any indication it's really soon. Son Number Three is at a bit of a disadvantage – you see, he's been educated in places other than North Korea. So when people lined up to drink the Eternal Leader flavor of Kool-Aid, the line was short by one person. Unlike his older brother, he was more concerned with his studies than trying to sneak into the Magic Kingdom.
What does Son Number Three's education have to do with the shelling? Simple – there are at least two factions in the North Korean power structure: people who are with Kim Jung Il and People Who Are Dead And Just Don't Know It. As Kim Jung Il gives his soon-to-be replacement some medals and a rank in the military, he's thinning the ranks of the People Who Are Dead And Just Don't Know It Yet Party. The People Who Are Dead And Just Don't Know It Yet Party might see this upcoming power vacancy as a chance to get their country on the right track (what's the right track? I don't know, but we sure as hell know what the wrong track is, don't we?). The shelling could just be a way of trying to force South Korea and/or the US into some sort of conflict. Why not get China? Certainly they've got a couple of people to spare. Remember that loser friend in high school? The guy you only kind of hung out with out of pity? Well, North Korea and China aren't best buds (as far as China's concerned), but at least they can admit one thing: it's better to be in China than in North Korea.
Back to Son Number Three: let's say that Kim Jung Il kicks off between now and March, while the subject of a small island getting shelled is somewhat of a touchy subject. Son Number Three comes in – and if he reads this blog, or he's smarter than the average bear – he's going to first (for the home crowds) announce that a great man has passed on and now the great responsibility of guiding this great nation falls to him, as unready as he is. He's going to round up some people (for those in the 6 party talks – but mostly for South Korea and the US), blame them for the shelling for whatever reason sounds good at the time and have them executed. He's not going to bother with a trial (if we wanted theatre, we would have gone to Broadway). If he's in a charitable mood, he might let them apologize on a video tape for their families… then round them up and have them shot, too. Once the dust has settled and everyone who's 'guilty' (i.e. – they weren't cheering at the coronation), Son Number Three steps up and says simply that he's interested in only peace between his nation and the rest of the world. He politely asks for smoked sausages and petty cash, lets some family members visit each other every once in a while and generally doesn't act like a whack-job when the cameras are on.
Does he have to be sincere? Hell, no. Everyone else will be too happy to have someone else at the controls who isn't drinking up crates of cognac while everyone else starves to notice that those centrifuges seem to be running an awful lot, or that there seem to be the same number of people getting the hell out of North Korea, or that the concentration camps are just as full as they were before Son Number Three stepped into the role of King High Crazy, ruler of the Hermit Kingdom, like the line in 'Into the Woods': "I was meant to be charming, not sincere." Before anyone realizes that the crazy runs in the family good and deep, Son Number Three has solidified his power base and can do whatever he wants – like sip some cognac and watch cartoons in his pajamas.
Because this is called 'Practical Misanthropy' – I offer this solution. Take notes.
Do nothing (this should be easy for us). Condemn the attacks, do the war games to remind North Korea that we can take out their Navy, Army and Air Force before 10 AM. This is an internal affair and it should be handled internally. Remind South Korea that we're still here; we have no problems bombing the hell out of Pyongyang. If China decides to rattle their sabers, we just calmly ask them what's Chinese for "should have said something sooner". China isn't going to get into a fight between either us or South Korea because it's not worth it in terms of manpower vs. its North Korea for God's Sake – this is a country that can't even finish a hotel. This is like fighting over the last gas station hot dog. If you're that crazy and/or hungry and have the cash – go to a real restaurant.
Of course, this is predicated on the notion that China's military isn't run by even more paranoid generals with more men then common sense. China could turn right around and realize that North Korea is like a corpse on Normandy Beach – a good piece of cover, but a lousy conversationalist. If they suddenly remember that they have a large army, a huge deposit of rare earth metals and a lot of our debt, then North Korea is less than a buffer than a good excuse to flex some muscle. When (and that's not 'if' but 'when') that happens, we're going to see how close we can get to the Pyongyang Missile Crisis without getting the proverbial bad suntan. North Korea won't notice anything different about their quality of life… except their rats now glow in the dark and are easier to find.
The long term solution is going to be this: when Son Number Three comes into power, make it clear that we're willing to let everything else go and start fresh – because he still has the apparatus for making nukes, and we don't know if he's going to be Cincinnatus or Caligula.
This is another reason why I hate all of you: Power corrupts, absolute power makes you shit-house rat crazy.
